North
Korea Tests ‘Portal to Hell’
"How to Have Fun
with a Time Machine"
I knew tensions would be high with North Korea testing a nuclear bomb.
So, with the whole world watching, I opened a temporal vortex right in the middle of Pyongyang Square... more
October 9, 2006
North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il confirmed rumors Sunday that his country successfully tested a “Portal to Hell” to “harness all of dark power of the underworld.”
This announcement came a mere 36 hours after the United Nations Security Council warned North Korea that any dimensional portal activity would be met with “severe consequences.”
China openly condemned Jong Il’s conduct, though the Chinese are one of a half-dozen nations to have openly possessed portal technology for decades.
It is suspected that India, Pakistan and Israel secretly possess “Portals to Hell.”
The test occurred only a week after Japan installed a new, more nationalistic prime minister, Shinzo Abe, and just as the country was renewing a debate about whether its ban on possessing demonic portals made sense in 21st century politics.
President Bush responded to Jong Il at a Tuesday afternoon press conference.
“We’re not going to get caught up in a ‘portal-race’ with the North Koreans, the Iranians or any other criminal regime,” Bush said. “If the War on Terror has taught us anything, it’s that you can’t fight fanaticism with fanaticism.”
“That’s why,” the President continued, “I’m committing 15 billion dollars to developing a ‘Portal to Heaven.’ We’ll beat these heathens with the power of the Lord!”
In the meantime, the Whitehouse says it will pressure China and Russia to cut off any supplies that may be used in portal construction.
